We've come to Austria by mistake...

The hotel in Vienna was a terrible mistake. I’ll take the blame for permission to talk about it. Hotel Donauwaltzer. To begin with it was miles away from Baden. I’m convinced Baden is only 10 miles from the capital, but taxis charge €70 for the trip there and back. Then there’s the wireless.

Wireless is essential for these trips. For work, but mainly for keeping in touch with home. Austria has wireless. It’s just no one has told them.

When I asked at the hotel whether they had wireless the young guy behind the desk said yes. Great. In the room though there was nothing. ‘Don’t worry’, he said, ‘it works downstairs in the restaurant’. Terrific. This would do.

By the time I got downstairs a new man had taken over and he was unused to questions. He’s also never heard of wireless and began to vehemently deny that the hotel had it. I tried it. They did. Only I needed the password.

‘No, there is no wireless’.

‘Sir, hi. Yes there is, I can see it. I just need the password’. No sorry.

‘There is!’

Now he began asking colleagues, who until now had ignored me. I was beginning to think I didn’t exist. Someone found a code though, on the modem of all places, I’ll try that. It worked. Thanks for your help.

Then there was ironing. I had shirts to wear. The same guy was on the desk, only this time he was sleeping. Time to wake the fucker up. Sorry there is no iron in the entire building. He actually said ‘entire’. The answer was like a stock one, as if he’d been so used to police raids and his employers ordered him to deny the existence of anything. Now I was beginning to think this guy didn’t exist either.

The hotel leaflet said laundry service. It also said mini-bar and wireless. I figured I’d ask the new guy on the desk for an iron in the morning. Then iron the night shift’s face the next day. In the meantime I had only Cheers on TV. In German. Nobody knew my name there. Nobody seemed to know anything.